Labeling My Sexuality

I brought this up at Knit Night tonight because it’s a safe place for me. I feel like I can bring certain things up and not be judged (at least, not to my face) and I won’t be shamed out of the room.

I was in my mid 20s when I noticed that I like girls. I was friends with a girl in college and I really wanted to date her. I would have asked her out but she had a girlfriend. It wasn’t just her looks- she was smart and funny as well.

A few years later, I became attracted to a barista who was a girl. I was already with Richie, so I couldn’t ask her out. She has since transitioned to a guy, and I am unfortunately no longer attracted to her. We still flirt whenever we see each other, though.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “Well, you’re bi. Duh.” Maybe not. I was reading some fan fiction and came across asexuality. I looked it up, and also found heteroflexibilty, which means that I’m attracted to both genders but I’m not bi because I haven’t actually had a relationship with a girl.

I kissed a girl when I was younger but I hated it because we were performing for boys and it had nothing to do with desire.

I was talking about this with Zombie (who identifies as asexual lesbian) and she said that I could identify as bi. Anyone who says I have to specifically label as heteroflexible is a gatekeeper of the LGBTQIA community (no, the A does not stand for ally) and that they are an asshole.

I read more fan fiction by this author (JongTae for the win!) and came across pansexual, demisexual, homoromantic, aromantic, etc. I think pansexual is the closest label to what I am. From all the definitions I have come across, I understand that it means I’m sexually and aesthetically attracted to pretty much everyone- men, women, androgynous people, genderfluid people, people who don’t identify. If you’re pretty- I’m gonna ogle you. There are some people I look at and think, “You’re really good looking.” Then there are some people I look at and think, “You are really hot. I would bone the shit out of you if I was single.”

Then Zombie said that it was incorrect. Fuck, what the hell am I? Then Mindy asked if I needed a label. I had been thinking about that, and I found myself wondering, do any of us need labels? I mean sure, it might be nice to have a name for the feelings you have, but is it necessary? Or is it required by straight people who have the need to categorize and put everyone in a specific box so that they can have a better handle on their surroundings?

Ugh.

Anyways, fuck labels. I’m attracted to everyone I find beautiful and lovely. But if you insist on putting me in a box- first of all, fuck you. Second of all, check me as pan.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Labeling My Sexuality

  1. Chris Ohari says:

    Excellent essay

  2. Tempest Tea says:

    Labeling your sexuality in the current climate of diversity and acceptance eems a little old school. I am okay labeling myself a lesbian despite my inexplicable attraction to Richard Armitage. My wife still holds the key to all the good parts of me. Label yourself as whatever you want dear, shuck that label when it doesn’t fit, I will love you regardless of any label. As the new mantra says, love is love.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s