I brought this up at Knit Night tonight because it’s a safe place for me. I feel like I can bring certain things up and not be judged (at least, not to my face) and I won’t be shamed out of the room.
I was in my mid 20s when I noticed that I like girls. I was friends with a girl in college and I really wanted to date her. I would have asked her out but she had a girlfriend. It wasn’t just her looks- she was smart and funny as well.
A few years later, I became attracted to a barista who was a girl. I was already with Richie, so I couldn’t ask her out. She has since transitioned to a guy, and I am unfortunately no longer attracted to her. We still flirt whenever we see each other, though.
I’m sure you’re thinking, “Well, you’re bi. Duh.” Maybe not. I was reading some fan fiction and came across asexuality. I looked it up, and also found heteroflexibilty, which means that I’m attracted to both genders but I’m not bi because I haven’t actually had a relationship with a girl.
I kissed a girl when I was younger but I hated it because we were performing for boys and it had nothing to do with desire.
I was talking about this with Zombie (who identifies as asexual lesbian) and she said that I could identify as bi. Anyone who says I have to specifically label as heteroflexible is a gatekeeper of the LGBTQIA community (no, the A does not stand for ally) and that they are an asshole.
I read more fan fiction by this author (JongTae for the win!) and came across pansexual, demisexual, homoromantic, aromantic, etc. I think pansexual is the closest label to what I am. From all the definitions I have come across, I understand that it means I’m sexually and aesthetically attracted to pretty much everyone- men, women, androgynous people, genderfluid people, people who don’t identify. If you’re pretty- I’m gonna ogle you. There are some people I look at and think, “You’re really good looking.” Then there are some people I look at and think, “You are really hot. I would bone the shit out of you if I was single.”
Then Zombie said that it was incorrect. Fuck, what the hell am I? Then Mindy asked if I needed a label. I had been thinking about that, and I found myself wondering, do any of us need labels? I mean sure, it might be nice to have a name for the feelings you have, but is it necessary? Or is it required by straight people who have the need to categorize and put everyone in a specific box so that they can have a better handle on their surroundings?
Anyways, fuck labels. I’m attracted to everyone I find beautiful and lovely. But if you insist on putting me in a box- first of all, fuck you. Second of all, check me as pan.