Work is Not so Great at the Moment

Remember back in October when I got promoted and I was so super stoked about it?


Yeah, that joy has been destroyed now.


I am the backup for my team, so I have been learning a bunch of different things. I had thought things were going swimmingly (because NO ONE had told me different) only to be pulled aside by my boss last Friday (23rd) to be told that I am failing. Hard.


Did I mention she did this right before my vacation? As in, we leave the office at 4:30 and she pulled me aside at 4:05.


Apparently, if I was more self- aware, I would have seen this coming (according to her). She had a stack of errors. (Five months in, this is the first I’m hearing of any of them) She had to mention the other new girl who started a week after me had her job down pat after only a month on the job. She asked if I liked my job (as if I’m self-sabotaging or something? Like I’m intentionally not doing a good job because I hate it here?) and if I got overwhelmed. Yes, I get overwhelmed. This is not work I’ve ever done before! And she knows this! She knew this when she hired me! And no, she doesn’t check on me. I guess at the skill/salary level we’re at she doesn’t think she should have to. And maybe she’s right. I barely speak to her. This is not an exaggeration- there are days when the only thing I will say to her will be “Good morning.” Apparently, even though no one has told me different, I should still know that I’m fucking up. Also, if I ask two different people the same question, they will get offended as if I doubt their world. That’s what it is. Not me double-checking and clarifying and the first person isn’t available so I ask the second person. She says we’re a cohesive team. No we are not. You guys are cliquey mean girls in a high school movie. I can hear you all gossping and giggling.


I guess I was spoiled by my previous boss. She had monthly meetings with everyone on her team. She would let us know what we were doing well at, what we were doing poorly at, and what she wanted us to focus on. I always knew where I stood.


I guess I do now. I’m massively fucking up. At everything.


Of course, I started to cry. I was a wreck. She said that I took a leap of faith to get my job, so she was going to take a leap of faith on me. She said that we’re okay, and that she believes soon this will all be a distant memory.


I go back to work tomorrow. I dread it. I’m going to go in there and work harder and do my damndest (even though I already thought I was) but now I worry that I’m not good enough. And even if I am able to improve and do really well in my actual evaluation, this will never be a distant memory.


This was cruel. Who pulls a person aside a half hour before they go on vacation to drop this kind of bomb? Why wait so long to let a person know they aren’t doing well? Why not help them right when you spot a mistake? I don’t feel as if I can trust my boss after this.


But the worst thing of all, was that she made me doubt myself. She made me feel like I was too stupid to do my job (and I hate using that word because it’s ableist), like I should have just stayed where I was and never tried to aim higher, that I don’t belong in this position because I’m just not good enough. I was a wreck when I got home that night. I was incredibly sick. Stress about getting fired, worry about the future, heartbreak that I wasn’t doing as well at a job I genuinely like as I thought I was.


I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her for that.


Now, for the first time in five months, I dread going into work.





It’s finally finished.


After two years. Maybe longer, since it started off as a checkerboard pattern before I frogged it and just did straight garter stitch.

blanket 2

Also, this is not something you knit during warm weather.


And then Richie decided it was his and took off running with it.


Um, excuse me. That’s not yours.



2018 Goals


When it comes to goals, I have a couple:

  1. Complete my GoodReads challenge of 55 books
  2. Organize my apartment, designating two months to each room
  3. Bake every single recipe in every single cookbook I have


What about you?


I spent my NYE the same as I did last year– cleaning and organizing. There were a few  differences: I didn’t return my library book; Richie was home and Zach our landlord came over; Richie and I bought a new bookcase at IKEA and put it together (we pretty much have a library now); at midnight I was playing cards with Zach and dancing like the geek I am. Hopefully that means I will be more active throughout 2018.

R.I.P. Kim Jonghyun


My beautiful boy. You pure, sweet soul. My heart just breaks for you. We will all miss you so desperately. I’m sorry you lost your battle, but it was valiantly fought.


To any readers and fans out there:

It is with an obviously heavy heart that I have to write this. This has been such a hard day. I currently have two Jonghyun fics in progress, and I am discontinuing them. It just feels wrong to write them. Maybe I’ll pick them up again in the future, but I have no idea when.

I will keep them posted for anyone who may need them. And I am always available for anyone who needs to talk, or just needs someone to listen. I’m here. You’re not alone.


My heart aches for his mother, his sister, his bandmates, even little Roo.


This world is so much darker without you in it. You did so well, my darling. You were so good.

The New Bake Off


I gave it a shot. I did. I love Bake Off so so much. Ask anyone who knows me. I can’t tell you how many times I have watched all of the episodes, I have two cookbooks from previous contestants: B.I.Y from Richard of Season 5 (or season 1 if you’re watching on Netflix in the US) and The Cardamom Trail from Chetna of the same cast. I have five other cookbooks from three other contestants on my Amazon wishlist. This was the show that got me seriously baking, and not just from a box.

I wasn’t even going to watch the new season. It felt like cheating on my partner. But, I figured that if I was going to denounce it, I needed to know what I was talking about.

First, Prue:


Ugh. Someone on tumblr called her a discount Mary Berry, and that is so accurate. God, get out of that tent. You’re nowhere near Mary’s caliber.

Second, Noel and Sandy:


Okay, they’re cute. Gentle humor, not too strong in the innuendo game, which could just be because they’re feeling out their new job. It could change as they go on. I love how attached Sandy got to the bakers, and Noel I think did well with comedy relief for them. But I can’t quite figure out what this little Goth boy is doing in the tent.

Richie: Goths like Bake Off and baking too!

Okay, fair point. But it just seems to me that Noel is a young man who went to work with his mom for National Take Your Kid to Work Day.

Finally, Paul.

He doesn’t get a picture. I do not have the words. Ugh. He should have left Bake Off, too. He didn’t need the money. He has cookbooks and TV shows. He could have left with the other three, Channel 4 would have realized they paid $75 million for nothing,  and they would have kicked it back to the BBC. Everyone could have come back. But nooooooooooo. Now I have this ass  who is “devaluing the handshake economy“. Ass.


There was one bright spot.


Stephen. I adored him. I mean, Yan was awesome. Stacey is me. But I super love Stephen.


But, no more Bake Off for me. And that makes me really sad. But I’ll always remember you!

Happy Thanksgiving!


Gravy volcano never gets old. ;o)


Well, happy Thanksgiving my dears! I hope you all are doing well. My holiday was lovely. Slept in a little- as much as a hungry cat will allow. I had a cup of tea for breakfast and started a new book, Another Man’s Treasure. The lack of breakfast caught up with me at Aunt Debra’s, where I completely stuffed my face. It was sooooo goooood.

Mr Bean Thanksgiving

I’m home now, and I’ve been in my jim-jams for the last four hours. I’ve been knitting and drinking tea and watching Bake-Off. I am knitting two things at once- Bluebirds of Happiness, and scarves for the homeless. Two simple, small pieces that are being knit 10 rows at a time. 10 rows on one, switch projects and do 10 rows on the other. I don’t have any dessert, but I do have a recipe for chocolate chip cookie in a mug. I have made it many many many times (I have the recipe memorized) and I swear by it.

Anyways, all of you take care of yourselves. And if you are going shopping later, may you get all the deals you want.