Remember back in October when I got promoted and I was so super stoked about it?
Yeah, that joy has been destroyed now.
I am the backup for my team, so I have been learning a bunch of different things. I had thought things were going swimmingly (because NO ONE had told me different) only to be pulled aside by my boss last Friday (23rd) to be told that I am failing. Hard.
Did I mention she did this right before my vacation? As in, we leave the office at 4:30 and she pulled me aside at 4:05.
Apparently, if I was more self- aware, I would have seen this coming (according to her). She had a stack of errors. (Five months in, this is the first I’m hearing of any of them) She had to mention the other new girl who started a week after me had her job down pat after only a month on the job. She asked if I liked my job (as if I’m self-sabotaging or something? Like I’m intentionally not doing a good job because I hate it here?) and if I got overwhelmed. Yes, I get overwhelmed. This is not work I’ve ever done before! And she knows this! She knew this when she hired me! And no, she doesn’t check on me. I guess at the skill/salary level we’re at she doesn’t think she should have to. And maybe she’s right. I barely speak to her. This is not an exaggeration- there are days when the only thing I will say to her will be “Good morning.” Apparently, even though no one has told me different, I should still know that I’m fucking up. Also, if I ask two different people the same question, they will get offended as if I doubt their world. That’s what it is. Not me double-checking and clarifying and the first person isn’t available so I ask the second person. She says we’re a cohesive team. No we are not. You guys are cliquey mean girls in a high school movie. I can hear you all gossping and giggling.
I guess I was spoiled by my previous boss. She had monthly meetings with everyone on her team. She would let us know what we were doing well at, what we were doing poorly at, and what she wanted us to focus on. I always knew where I stood.
I guess I do now. I’m massively fucking up. At everything.
Of course, I started to cry. I was a wreck. She said that I took a leap of faith to get my job, so she was going to take a leap of faith on me. She said that we’re okay, and that she believes soon this will all be a distant memory.
I go back to work tomorrow. I dread it. I’m going to go in there and work harder and do my damndest (even though I already thought I was) but now I worry that I’m not good enough. And even if I am able to improve and do really well in my actual evaluation, this will never be a distant memory.
This was cruel. Who pulls a person aside a half hour before they go on vacation to drop this kind of bomb? Why wait so long to let a person know they aren’t doing well? Why not help them right when you spot a mistake? I don’t feel as if I can trust my boss after this.
But the worst thing of all, was that she made me doubt myself. She made me feel like I was too stupid to do my job (and I hate using that word because it’s ableist), like I should have just stayed where I was and never tried to aim higher, that I don’t belong in this position because I’m just not good enough. I was a wreck when I got home that night. I was incredibly sick. Stress about getting fired, worry about the future, heartbreak that I wasn’t doing as well at a job I genuinely like as I thought I was.
I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her for that.
Now, for the first time in five months, I dread going into work.